Tag Archives: F


“Beautiful” isn’t. Sally Field’s directorial debut is a hopelessly mirthless, intensely irritating comedy-drama that wants to say something about the cult of surface attractiveness and celebrity prevalent in today’s society, but garbles whatever message it has in mind so badly that it’s nearly unwatchable.

The star of this misbegotten women’s picture is the personable Minnie Driver, who plays Mona Hibbard, a young woman who, since her earliest years, has dreamt of winning beauty contests and expended virtually all of her time and energy to that end. Unfortunately, from the perspective of audience sympathy, Mona is portrayed as nothing more than a self-centered shrew, who, when she becomes pregnant, palms off the child on her footstool of a best friend Ruby (Joey Lauren Adams, acting like a bargain-basement Renee Zellweger), who raises the kid as hers. Even more unfortunately, the child, named Vanessa, grows up to become Hallie Kate Eisenberg, the kid from the “Pepsi” commercials, whose shrill, piercing performance is the cinematic equivalent of a paper cut; though Vanessa is supposed to be a darling, one of those bright moppets who put adults to shame, as Eisenberg plays her she comes across as one of the most unendearing, annoying tykes to find their way to the screen in a long while. (One hates to say it, but you can almost understand why Mona dumps her.)

Anyway, the plot sickens when Mona, who’s unaccountably chosen as Miss Illinois, prepares to go off to the national competition, only to find herself saddled with Vanessa when false mom Ruby is jailed (wrongly, of course) for–get this!–aiding in the suicide of a patient at the nursing home where she works. The denouement has Mona inevitably finding her long-dormant maternal instinct as the beauty pageant winds its way to a completely ridiculous “uplifting” outcome.

Nothing works in “Beautiful.” The dismal work of the three leads is complemented by equally bad turns from such figures as Kathleen Turner (as a grande dame who runs local pageants), Leslie Stefanson (as an ambitious reporter who aims to unmask Mona), Bridgette Wilson (as the inevitable Miss Texas–her last major flick was the equally dreadful “Love Stinks”), and Michael McKean (as the pageant director). Jon Bernstein’s script manages to be both cruelly unfunny and crudely sentimental, garnering nary a smile or a tear, and Field’s direction is at best of TV-movie quality. Natives of Illinois should be especially distessed by the picture, which portrays Naperville as a hick town of unimaginable proportions, and has Mona, in one of her appearances at the final pageant, dress up in a phony Indian costume that would rightfully draw condemnations of ethnic insensitivity if a contestant in such an event ever had the temerity to wear it.

Maybe you’ll be able to get through “Beautiful” and still find Miss Field a fairly likable person, despite what she’s foisted upon you. But as for the movie itself–you’ll hate it, you’ll really hate it.


And damn the audience. Chuck Russell’s would-be supernatural thriller, a kind of gender-altered reversal of “The Omen,” proves an unholy brew of generic gothic gloom, outmoded religious iconography, sadistic violence, bad theology, pseudo-mystical twaddle, “Star Wars” themes, New Agey angel-myth and urban angst. The resultant, thoroughly unpalatable mishmash is ludicrous from the standpoint of both fundamental Christian belief and the most elementary narrative logic; the movie’s so bad that if you’re a practicing Catholic, you’ll probably feel the need for absolution immediately after seeing it.

Coming distinctly late in the slew of apocalyptic flicks that attended the supposed turn of the millennium, “Bless the Child” easily lives down to such benighted predecessors as “Fallen,” “Stigmata” and “End of Days.” The idiotic story centers on a miracle child, young Cody (Holliston Coleman), who’s left with her childless aunt Maggie (Kim Basinger) only days after birth by her druggie mom Jenna (Angela Bettis). Six years later, Cody’s been diagnosed as mildly autistic, but her real problem is that she was born under the second appearance of the Star of Bethlehem (!) and is endowed with special powers for good. These include the ability to spin plates around telekinetically and even to revivify dead pigeons (a power which, in New York, seems of quite dubious value).

Of course, Cody is not to be left alone. She’s stalked by a Satanic cult, led by smooth but nasty Eric Stark (Rufus Sewell), who runs a self-help movement as a blind while systematically tracking down kids born the same day as she and, when they turn out not to be “the chosen one” of God, simply eliminating them. When Cody is finally kidnapped by Stark, whose intention is apparently to turn her to “The Dark Side” of the Force or something, the attempt to retrieve her brings Maggie, a singularly stupid though well-intentioned woman, into cahoots with John Travis (Jimmy Smits), a remarkably inept FBI agent who’s investigating the series of child abductions, certain that they involve the occult (he’s an ex-seminarian, you see, and knows about such things).

We won’t go into the further ramifications of the plot, save to note that they introduce a variety of cliched characters, including a punky ex-cult member (Christina Ricci), a bevy of nuns dressed as though they were caught in a 1950s time warp (doesn’t anybody in Hollywood realize that Catholic sisters abandoned such garb after Vatican II?), a nanny (played by Dimitra Arlys) who would put Mrs. Danvers to shame, a (presumed) guardian angel who appears in various guises to assist our heroes, and a defrocked Jesuit named Grissom who pontificates blearily about how the Roma church, in its frenzy for modernization (what world is he living in?), will no longer recognize the existence of True Evil. (It’s a role which would once have been played with lip-smacking relish by Donald Pleasence.) There are also periodic spasms of cheesy F/X, including poorly-executed flocks of computer-generated rodents, demonic gargoyles and shining heavenly apparitions who intrude upon the action, without point or explanation, from time to time.

This hodgepodge couldn’t have been salvaged by the most expert handling, but the execution here is pallid at best. Russell tries hard to generate some “Se7en”-style atmosphere, emulating the burnished, seedy appearance of David Fincher’s picture almost slavishly, but the result just looks murky and washed-out. There’s a throbbing score by Christopher Young which goes so far as to employ vocal chants reminiscent of those intoned in Jerry Goldsmith’s Oscar-winner music for “The Omen,” but it has little impact. As for the acting, it’s pretty much embarrassing across the board. Basinger’s stilted, mannequin-like performance isn’t out of place in a potboiler like this, but along with her similarly wooden turn in “I Dreamed of Africa” earlier this year, it reinforces the notion that her work in “L.A. Confidential” was a fluke, the result of being led by a director (Curtis Hanson) who shaped every nuace with much the same sort of care that Hitchcock lavished upon Kim Novak’s efforts in “Vertigo.” Smits is strangely subdued here, but Sewell glowers and snarls histrionically as Stark; he overdoes things particularly in a semi-blasphemous rooftop scene with young Coleman which might be titled “The Last Temptation of Cody.” Still, this kind of Darth Vader-like villainy works much better with a black facemask and heavy breathing apparatus than with a trenhcoat and perfectly-shaved visage. Holm looks deeply pained during his brief appearance as the pompous Grissom, and his discomfiture isn’t entirely explicable by reason of the fact that the character is wheelchair-bound and obviously unwell.

There’s a line of dialogue near the beginning of “Bless The Child” which pretty much sums the movie up. Cody is frightened by a rat in a mound of trash in the gutter while she and her aunt are walking home one night (an unlikely sight in the post-Giuliani metropolis), and Maggie tries to comfort her. “What’s the matter?” she asks. “It’s only garbage, honey.” How very true.