Tag Archives: D-


The Internet bogeyman who actually inspired a couple of impressionable twelve-year old Wisconsin girls to attempt to kill a friend in 2014 comes to your favorite multiplex, but his appearance is more likely to engender hostility in you against the makers of “Slender Man” than toward anybody you know. There were more chills in a single frame of “The Babadook” than in this entire dreary movie.

Slender Man first showed up in 2009 on the website SomethingAwful.com in a post by one Eric Knudsen, aka Victor Surge. The spooky figure—a tall, dark, faceless creature with long, spindly fingers that was inserted into many contexts—became a popular web presence, often depicted as stalking and kidnapping children. From this foundation David Birke has contrived a plot about four high-school girls—Wren (Joey King), Hallie (Julia Goldani Telles), Chloe (Jaz Sinclair) and Katie (Annalise Basso)—who in effect summon up the fearsome fellow by uploading a video from the net—all it takes is Google, apparently—in which he appears. (Why? Because the guys are holding their own Slender Man party, girls not invited.) That apparently constitutes an invitation for him to come after them.

One says “apparently” because the rules about how Slender Man can operate are never made very clear, or to be more accurate, the movie seems to be making them up as it goes along. Not that it matters much, of course; the important thing is that the concept gives this creepy entity an opportunity to pursue the quartet of increasingly frantic girls, one by one. First Katie disappears on a school field trip, and then Chloe goes berserk. That leaves Wren and Hallie to try to get them back from the bogeyman that the former, after a bit of research, comes to believe is some sort of “bioelectrical” entity. But what is implied at the end of the movie is that whatever his makeup, he encases his victims in the trunks of trees, using branchlike tendrils to grab them up.

That, at least, is what seems to be happening, although “Slender Man” is so sloppily directed (by Sylvain White), murkily shot (by Luca Del Puppo) and haltingly edited (by Jake York) that it’s not always possible to discern what’s going on. There are lots of sequences that turn out to be hysterical nightmares, a couple of set pieces (one in a library, another in a hospital) that are creepily but pointlessly bizarre, and plenty of expository filler, much of it derived online from a chat room user named Alleeycat93, which one might not take to be a completely reliable source. There’s also a subplot involving a handsome jock (Alex Fitzalan) that literally goes nowhere, and another focused on Hallie’s younger sister (Taylor Richardson) that, as far as one can tell, makes no sense at all but does allow for the effects team to add a few more jump scares to the picture, accompanied of course but sudden bursts of noise on the soundtrack provided by Brandon Campbell and Ramin Djawadi.

As usual in such fare, the acting is pretty perfunctory. King and Telles have the most to do and go through their paces with grim determination, but in the end the basic function for all the girls is to scream a lot, a task they accomplish at a very high decibel level.

To be fair, the Slender Man figure could lend itself to some evocative images on screen, but here—especially when he turns into a human-like fellow played by Javier Botet, he looks rather silly (though not so ridiculous as the giant wooden spider he morphs into near the close). If you really want to be frightened by the emaciated giant, try to check out the 2017 HBO documentary “Beware the Slenderman,” which dealt with the 2014 Wisconsin case. It shows that the real horror lies not in the Internet-based Freddy Krueger clone Birke has created, but in the murderous impulse the original figure could instill in impressionable children. Now that’s scary in a way this cookie-cutter movie is not.


Mystery Science Theatre usually dealt in small-budget fiascos, but if it were around today its makers would have found “Geostorm” hard to resist. Despite the fact that it apparently had a substantial budget—anything Jerry Bruckheimer is connected with is bound to be a “major” production—it’s as loony as any of the mini-bombs MST regularly skewered, a preposterous blend of cautionary tale (which like “Frankenstein” warns us of how dangerous it is to toy with Mother Nature), cheesy over-the-top disaster epic and goofy political skulduggery that is almost bad enough to become a camp classic.

The first absurdity that the movie asks viewers to swallow is that a character played by swaggering Gerard Butler can be accepted as a scientific genius who invented Dutch Boy, an intricate system of satellites, controlled from a gigantic space station, which solves the problem of climate change by controlling the weather across the globe and preventing cataclysms from occurring anywhere. Butler can be convincing as a bull-headed secret service agent, but an intellectual is frankly beyond his range.

As the picture opens, Butler’s Jake Lawson is being grilled by contentious senator Cross (Richard Schiff), who is incensed at his insubordination, despite the fact that the enormous project is working as promised. Unfortunately, as far as Cross is concerned, the whole apparatus is shortly to be turned over by the U.S. to an international consortium, and the altercation results in Jake being sacked and replaced by his more diplomatic younger brother Max (Jim Sturgess), which causes a rift between them.

Several years later the system goes awry, freezing the inhabitants of a village in Afghanistan to death and disrupting Hong Kong with a gas explosion caused by extreme heat. Is this the result of some simple malfunction, or sabotage? And if the latter, who’s behind it, and why? To find out, Max, under prodding from President Palma (Andy Garcia) and Secretary of State Dekkom (Ed Harris), persuades Jake to return to the station to conduct a full inquiry alongside station commander Ute Fassbinder (Alexandra Maria Lara), while Max remains on earth, working with his tech-savvy aide Dana (Zazie Beetz) and secret service agent Sarah Wilson (Abbie Cornish), to unravel the nefarious plot that has weaponized Dutch Boy in much the same way that the villains turned satellites into instruments of doom in the recent Vin Diesel bomb “XXX: The Return of Xander Cage.”

The difference here is that the satellites don’t just blow things up; they cause devastating hail, tidal waves and storms that are mere opening acts for the titular geostorm that threatens to engulf the earth. That allows first-time director Dean Devlin, who also co-wrote the script with Paul Guyot, to insert lots of scenes of mass destruction of the sort that he utilized with such success in the screenplay he wrote with Roland Emmerich for “Independence Day.” Unhappily, the CGI effects in these sequences are not top-drawer, looking chintzy and unconvincing by today’s standards. The same can be said of the more conventional action scenes, like the self-destruction of the space station and the simultaneous car chases going on back on terra not-so-firma.

The picture also goes in for Devlin’s other favorite ingredient—shameless sentiment. That can be seen not only in the character of Jake’s daughter Hannah (Talitha Bateman), who, left behind at home, weepily worries about her dad’s survival, but in a last-minute vignette about—if you can believe it—a nameless street urchin and his beloved dog, who are threatened by separation, or worse, in the impending cataclysm. Not to worry, though; this is the sort of disaster movie in which while thousands of nameless victims might perish in non-gross-out ways, anyone for whom the audience might muster the vaguest sympathy will survive, however unlikely that might seem. (It also allows for a last-minute crowd cheer of triumph to inform viewers of the elation they should be feeling.)

Acting is pretty much inconsequential in this sort of thing, but it’s the more accomplished people—like Garcia, Harris and Schiff—who suffer most. The latter two go into comic-book emotional mode to sad effect, while Garcia tries to underplay, with equally disastrous results. The others do the expected—Butler bellows and blusters, Sturgess fades into the background, and the females—Cornish and Lara in particular—are relegated to being window dressing. Despite a budget that reportedly exceeded a hundred million dollars, “Geostorm” looks tinny, with neither Roberto Schaefer’s neon-lit cinematography nor the muddled editing by Chris Lebenzon, John Refoua and Ron Rosen any more impressive than the not-so-special effects. (The picture is being shown in some venues in IMAX 3D, and even in some places in a 4DX version; it’s not worth any additional outlay.)

The release of “Geostorm” was much delayed; shot in 2014-15, it was originally scheduled to hit theatres in early 2016, but the date was repeatedly pushed back. There are also reports that Bruckheimer ordered reshoots, with scenes rewritten by an uncredited Laeta Kalogridis and directed by Danny Cannon (also uncredited). If all that is true, blame must be widely shared, but there’s certainly enough of it to go around. The problem isn’t that the movie’s release was postponed; it’s that it has finally happened.