Grade: D-
It’s a sad commentary on this wretched sequel to “Are We There Yet?” that even the animated credits at the beginning and end of the movie aren’t funny. Though they try for a “Pink Panther” sort of jocularity, they fall just as flat as the live-action footage that comes between them.
That footage takes up some time after the close of the previous picture, with Nick Persons (Ice Cube) having married single mom Suzanne (Nia Long), whom he romanced in part one. She and her two kids, Lindsey (Aleisha Allen) and Kevin (Philip Daniel Bolden)—much less hostile to Nick than they were in the initial installment (indeed, the biological dad to whom they were so devoted is simply ignored here)—have moved into his cramped apartment where, after selling his sports memorabilia store, he’s trying to start-up a magazine. When Suzanne announces that she’s pregnant, Nick decides they need not only a house but one in country, and before long they’re visiting a big old fixer-upper in upstate Oregon, which ultra-friendly (and ultra-strange) real estate agent Chuck Mitchell (John C. McGinley) persuades them is just the place they need.
It’s at this point that “Are We Done Yet?” takes off after its putative source “Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House” (1948), though it’s actually more like Richard Benjamin’s dilapidated “Money Pit” (1986) crossed with that exquisitely sophisticated TV series “Green Acres.” The Persons’ new abode turns out to be a lemon, and like a sweeter though odder version of Pat Buttram’s Mr. Haney, Chuck turns out to be the sole local source for all the services Nick needs (including that of a midwife!), until Nick tires of paying, fires the good-natured guy and undertakes to fix the place himself. Along with the slapstick catastrophes (many involving animatronic animals) that necessarily follow—most of them very badly staged—Nick takes time to bond with the stepkids, though Lesley gets angry with him when he takes a weirdly protective attitude toward her dalliance with one of the young workers (a contrast to his wife blasé attitude on the subject). As if all this weren’t bad enough, the movie caps off with a smarmy finale that bonds Nick with Chuck, too.
A couple of decades ago, John Hughes regularly made hay with this kind of mixture of violent comedy and sticky sentiment. But here it comes across as a dreary mess. There are several reasons. One’s an idiotic script, which—among other things—feels like it covers a week though it’s supposed to span a full nine months. Another is Steve Carr’s slovenly direction. A third is a production that looks sitcom-quality. But perhaps most important is the fact that Ice Cube fails to manage the simplest dialogue scenes convincingly, and, even with the help of stuntmen, isn’t a nimble enough physical comedian to put the pratfalls across. With Steve Martin or a young Chevy Chase in the lead, “Are We Done Yet?” would still have been a loser, just like “The Money Pit” was with Tom Hanks. With Cube, it’s a much bigger one. (It’s sad to hear him repetitively announce “I can fix that!” as the house begins collapsing around the family, when it’s clear he can’t even recite the line like a pro.) It’s hardly surprising that McGinley, though he should probably be arrested for shamelessness, walks off with the movie.
But why he’d want to is anybody’s guess. “Are We Done Yet?” is as much a broken-down wreck as the house at the center of the plot.